Daniel makes stuff, and, in his spare time, writes about things like movies, kid culture, and geek stuff.
Talk about Pressure

Only The Onion would have a headline like this: “Autistic child ruins marriage he was born to save.”

Mar 11, 2010 :: Tagged under: , , :: #

"Don't Make Me Come Back There While I'm Driving!"

Always fun stuff happening over at the New York Times’ Motherlode Blog. This issue: “Parents Say the Darndest Things.”

Via Well Versed Mom.

Feb 19, 2010 :: Tagged under: , :: #

"Judgy Horseshit" and the Kid- and Parent-Haters

In retrospect, I was apparently far too tame in my response to Details Magazine’s “Is your kid a douchebag?” article.

To compensate, Kelly Hogaboom has the “modern, earnestly-tries parent who’s sick of the Hate” perspective down. She delightfully unravels some of the more absurd generalisations of the Details Magazine piece – and the countless others that have gone before it – and she (fairly) calls foul on its general lack of truthiness.

I know what you’re thinking: Why fuss? It’s a blip on the screen. Yet, I see so much of this sort of thing: an author inexpert on the topic, gathering up a bunch of “authorities” to make a bunch of sweeping claims about Parents and Kids Today, as if today’s parenting culture was a monolith of Borg-like assholes going through the motions, rather than a complex, heavily nuanced series of mores, values, and traditions being fought in the trenches by, you know, real people.

I think that’s just it. Kelly’s response calls out the damaging nature of our society’s apparent infatuation with so-called “Experts” and authority figures who tell us how we’re getting our kids’ lives “wrong” – and it highlights the need for us to acknowledge the overwhelming complexities of parenting (cf. Ayelet Waldman’s “Bad Mother”).

Very rarely is anything in this life simple… and I would say that the Parent-Child relationship is about the furthest thing yet from that.

Feb 19, 2010 :: Tagged under: , , , :: #

"Are You Raising a Douchebag?"

By Daniel Bigler :: Friday February 19, 2010

That’s what Details Magazine is asking you … but admittedly, the entire question seems oddly familar.

Over-indulgent parenting, kids-need-parents-not-buddies, don’t spawn hipster douchebags… bla bla bla. I’m going to go out on a limb and say we have heard it all before. Many times.

To be fair, there’s actually a decent level of fair-minded reporting within this latest backlash-against-helicopter-parenting article, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s one on top of a whole heap of similar articles – and you have to wonder when it’ll stop. Perhaps more prudent than this endless stream of criticism, it’s important we keep a bit of perspective when raging against these “awful, uncaring” parents.

Why? Because, quite simply, there aren’t as many overindulgent, douchebag-raising helicopter parents out there as you may think.

I recently revisited an old 2006 article entitled “Baby Einstein Vs. Barbie,” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman (authors of the excellent new book “Nurtureshock”); in it – and in their followup piece – Bronson and Merryman found that the media elite wildly overportrayed this type of helicopter parenting when reporting about the problems of the typical American family. They point to one crucial factor often overlooked by the media in the discussion: that is, quite simply, social class. To a large degree, Bronson and Merryman argue, the helicopter parenting problems are only problems of the highly affluent – those who can afford the outrageously expensive birthday parties and have the luxury of buying $400 Marc Jacobs hoodies for their kids. That might certainly include those who fall into Details magazine’s readership – but it sure as heck doesn’t necessarily include everyone else. As Bronson and Merryman write: “Most families in America aren’t doing too much for their children. They’re doing everything they can, and it’s just barely enough.”

While it’s great to be aware and mindful of the sociological issues surrounding parenting, it’s crucial we also be smart about them and view things with a bit of perspective.

If you wonder how these facts can so often get misrepresented, remember what Claude Fisher said. He’s a Professor of Sociology at UC Berkeley. “A social trend is whatever is happening to a newspaper editor and the editor’s friends.” […]

The media needs a reality check. Mountains are being made of molehills. This new paranoia that we’re all smothering our kids is a myth.

– Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

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Preadolescent Panopticon

From Greg Knauss. So ace.

Read the whole thing, as Greg regales his epic account of high-flying junior high hijinxes, waterlogged Playboys (“News flash: Boys like boobs.”), and a crazy robot attendance monitor gone awry. In it all is an important lesson for parents: learn to let your kids go. “Open the cells! Take off the chains! Set them free!”

The goal is not to prevent them from making mistakes, but to allow them to. Risk assessment, trust development, value determination, responsibility, self-direction — all of these very important skills grow out of the opportunity to explore, to experiment, to make mistakes and correct them. Short circuit their opportunity to screw up and you’ve destroyed a chance for them to learn something new, about themselves and about how the machine works.

Feb 15, 2010 :: Tagged under: , :: #

How to Raise a Hero

Christine Carter, of the Greater Good blog, writes about how parents can raise children who take a stand against injustice, instead of standing by. I really, really love this essay – it reminds me of my “Social Change” class back in undergrad. Read it.

Feb 12, 2010 :: Tagged under: , , , :: #

'Mr. Mom's World'

A Salon article from a full ten years ago that shares the stories and stereotypes of Stay at Home Dads. Interesting to see what’s changed, and what’s stayed the same.

(Via Playground Dad.)

Feb 08, 2010 :: Tagged under: , , , , :: #

'Shared (Not Divided) Parenting'

Another great essay by Lisa Belkin, over at the New York Times.

Feb 04, 2010 :: Tagged under: , :: #

'Hyper Parents & Coddled Kids'

A documentary for you Canadians, premiering tonight on CBC Television. (And hey, it has Carl Honoré in it.)

(And here’s another take on the doc.)

Feb 04, 2010 :: Tagged under: , , :: #

Parents Spying on Teens' Online Conversations?

A great perspective on the issue from Anastasia Goodstein and the ever-wonderful Henry Jenkins.

Jan 26, 2010 :: Tagged under: , , , :: #

Do Children Need Both a Mother and a Father?

The short answer: No.

The long answer, as reiterated in a new comprehensive meta-study of past research: Utterly not. As we’ve seen before, stability in relationships and parenting is the number one factor in the outcomes and wellbeing of children. The gender and even the number of parents have very little to do with it. As noted:

In their analysis, the researchers found no evidence of gender-based parenting abilities, with the “partial exception of lactation,” noting that very little about the gender of the parent has significance for children’s psychological adjustment and social success.

While this has important implications for opponents to same-sex marriages and adoption (basically deflating any argument against same-sex parenting on the basis that “children need a mother and a father”), it also backs up the Daddy Shift notion that mothers and fathers can share more egalitarian parenting and caregiving roles. With no distinct gender-based difference in parenting abilities, what’s left defining parenting roles is only cultural. The researcher says it best: “The gender of parents only matters in ways that don’t matter.”

Not to skim over another important conclusion from the study, though: The number of parents equally doesn’t have to matter. Single parents can often do as equally well as two-parents – although it is noted that, on average, two-parent households generally fare better. This one’s a bit tricky, since it really is down to the individual level of parenting – and practicalities play a part. Single parents have more up against them time-wise (having to juggle work and being a sole caregiver), whereas couples have an advantage practically, able to trade off caregiving and work. Still it’s important to remember that it’s about the quality of parenting, not how many people are providing it: “One really good parent is better than two not-so-good ones,” the researcher claims.

Jan 21, 2010 :: Tagged under: , , :: #

Parents in the UK Tend to Ignore Media Ratings

Via What They Play, a new study done by an online discounts website finds that a large percentage of UK parents allow their children to play, watch or listen to media that is not intended for them or designated as suitable for their age group given the game’s assigned rating.

Sure, the study itself could probably come from a more reputable source – but I think the general trend toward disregarding ratings holds true. And who’s to blame parents? In the words of Roger Ebert (specifically about movie ratings, though it can hold true for any other), “The MPAA rating system is guided by the greed of the movie industry and its fear of the religious right.”

Jan 09, 2010 :: Tagged under: , , :: #

Grandparents Parenting Again

A quick but thorough piece in the Houston Chronicle about a sociological trend that’s picking up – Grandparents who are raising their grandchildren.

With a carpooling itinerary and activities schedule rivaling those of suburban soccer moms, 69-year-old widow Shirley Reed fills her days parenting for the third time around.

Her Aldine-area home bustles with the energy of three great-grandchildren Reed is raising by herself, mostly on her retirement income. The 12-year-old and two 5-year-olds even call her “Mom.”

With a statistical jump of more than 6% within the past five years in the number of grandparents raising their grandchildren, what we’re looking at is no small shift in the way families are composed and children are brought up.

Nov 30, 2009 :: Tagged under: , , :: #

The Worst Swear Word in the World

Jon Robson, writing for The Guardian:

My eight-year-old son, Joel, comes into my office to ask if there’s a worse swearword than fuck. “No,” I say.

There’s a silence. “You’re lying,” he says.

“There’s none worse than fuck,” I say.

Joel narrows his eyes. “I know you’re lying,” he says. He leaves the room.

Great quest for the worst swear word ensues. Dad wonders how to sidestep said quest. Much hilarity in the followup tale about the whole thing.

Newspapers need more pieces like this.

(Via Daring Fireball.)

Nov 18, 2009 :: Tagged under: , , :: #

Is Happiness Actually Worth It?

Another gem from Christine Carter at the Half Full parenting blog, over at Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.

The takeaway: to be truly happy, we can strive to appreciate—and maybe even exaggerate—the good in our relationships. This isn’t blind love, but a combination of knowing and adoring. Contentment with and acceptance of the people around us is critical for our ultimate happiness, and so we need to teach our children to nurture—perhaps even romanticize—their most important relationships.

All of this is to say that happiness is not a fluffy or frivolous notion; it is the most important thing we can foster in ourselves and our children, both for its own value and for its contributions to other things we value, such as professional and social success.

Carter has an vibrant and exemplary way of finding the best and latest social science research, contextualising it so that it’s accessible to all audiences, and then applying the principles from that research to everyday life and parenting. Good stuff.

Nov 18, 2009 :: Tagged under: , , :: #

How To Screw Up Your Kid For Life

From Cracked.com, a list of seven things “good parents” do that in the end just don’t quite pan out the way they expect. (Includes great classics like “#7. Giving Them a Creative Name,” “#4. Starting Them in School Too Early,” and “#3. Warning Them About Strangers.”)

Absolutely, completely, 100% spot-on. Just fantastic, and with some of the best social science research to back them up.

(Via Free Range Kids.)

Nov 12, 2009 :: Tagged under: , , :: #

Engaging Your Baby with Talk

From the NY Times, on the importance of parents spending time talking to their barely-verbal young infants and toddlers:

“Young children require time and one-on-one feedback as they struggle to formulate utterances in order to build their language and cognitive skills. The most basic skills are not being taught by example, and society is falling prey to the quick response that our computer generation has become accustomed to.

“Parents need to be reminded of the significance of their communicative model.”

In other news, running with strollers is apparently a thing now.

Oct 02, 2009 :: Tagged under: , :: #

Enforcing Bedtimes Improves Kids' Health

CNN.com:

Setting bedtimes can improve sleep quality and quantity for infants and toddlers, according to a growing body of research. Not getting enough sleep affects children’s behavior, memory, attention, and emotional well-being, experts said.

Important research, but I might also draw attention to this comment from a reader named Karen:

Every human has a different sleep pattern and circadian rhythm. I don’t believe in rigidly enforced bedtimes for anyone. I find that, speaking to other parents, rigidly enforced bedtimes are typically more about the convenience of the parents, who want “an evening”, than it is about children’s well-being.

I’d propose that a child having a stable, trust-based relationship with an adult who recognises and can appropriately respond to the child’s body cues probably has a much more positive impact on that child’s development and well-being than arbitrarily set bedtimes.

Sep 20, 2009 :: Tagged under: , , :: #

In Spain, It Takes a Village to Babysit

Jerome Socolovski, for NPR:

Summer in Spain can be hot and oppressive. But at night, city parks and village squares come alive with people of all ages. For an American visitor, one of the most striking differences is how unconcerned parents seem in public about their children. There seems to be an unwritten rule that anyone near a parent shares responsibility for that person’s children.

Now note the differences with North America. Collective sigh. And now let’s all go buy tickets to move to Western Europe.

Jul 21, 2009 :: Tagged under: , , :: #

Everything I Know About Parenting I Learned From Mythbusters

There’s a reason geeks make great parents: they’re not afraid to be passionate about things. Well, that, and they’re used to constant ridicule, which helps when Little Susie comes home beaten to a pulp, not understanding why the Big Girls on the playground didn’t want to play Dungeons and Dragons with her during recess.

But there is something to it – to this wonderful fusion between geek and parent. Parents inspired by geeky things can also apply that great nerd disposition they have to inspiring and nurturing a sense of wonder and exploration in their kids, ultimately helping them have happier childhoods.

Kevin Makice, writing for GeekDad, shares five wonderful parenting mantras that he swiped from the ultimate geek television show – Mythbusters. And you know what? It’s absolutely brilliant advice.

“Failure is always an option” (that’s #1) – if more kids were told this (and saw this manifested in their parents), maybe we wouldn’t have a whole subset generation so wigged out about doing things perfectly and, thus, ultimately not doing anything at all. Making mistakes is the very essence of creativity and innovation.

Your reality is not my reality – that’s a good one (it’s #2), and the foundational bedrock of Social Psychology (which is awfully fun to conduct on unsuspecting kids, by the way). People build their realities through interaction with others and from their lived experiences – and it’s probably important to remember that kids are awfully short, have to ask for a hallpass to use the restroom most of the day, and almost never have the same experiences we have. So yeah, your kid lives on a different planet; we all do. The decent thing is to just accept that and, when you can, try to understand where both of you are coming from. Maybe you can meet in between, at a pit stop on Neptune.

There’s a few other important parent lessons learned from geekdom, but undoubtedly the most important is this: “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing.” (And with explosions, if you can manage it.)

Sometimes when the crew is finished busting, there is still time to play. “Overdoing” an experiment may be an excuse to put Jamie’s C4 principle to use, but it also typifies an important insight about learning.

… “Children have to use too much,” (educator Bev Bos says.) To understand one’s limits, experimentation with excess is mandatory. Bos recommends putting out more material than seems necessary and inviting kids to use as much as they want, even if that means using several rolls of toilet paper to make a paper rock. It is never wasteful to spark a child’s creative spirit. Remember the Mythbusters motto: With enough lubrication, we can do anything.

Ain’t that the truth. I think I used up plenty more words here than I needed, which perfectly illustrates that point.

So I guess the lesson for today is this: Don’t be afraid to be a geek, and use all that nerd bravado to your advantage when you’re parenting yourk ids.

(And yes, full disclosure: I rank about a 9.3/10 on the Geek Scale – and I’m totally not ashamed of it.)

Jul 21, 2009 :: Tagged under: , , :: #